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For Women Only, Revised and Updated Edition: What You Need to Know About the Inner Lives of Men, by Shaunti Feldhahn
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Discover the Truth He Wants You to Know
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The man in your life carries important feelings so deep inside he barely knows they’re there, much less how to talk about them. Yet your man genuinely wants you to “get” him—to understand his inner life, to know his fears and needs, to hear what he wishes he could tell you.
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In her landmark bestseller, For Women Only, Shaunti Feldhahn reveals what every woman—single or married—needs to know. Based on rigorous research with thousands of men, Shaunti delivers one eye-opening revelation after another, including:
• Why your respect means more to him than your love.
• How he feels deep inside about his role as provider.
• What it means for a man to be so visually “wired.”
• Why sex for him is primarily emotional, not physical.
• What he most wishes he could say to you.
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Now, in this expanded and updated edition, you’ll find insights from the latest brain research plus an all-new chapter that shows what’s really going on when he seems to “check out.” (You’ll be surprised and pleased.)
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Millions worldwide have experienced dramatic change in their relationships because of the “aha” moments and practical ideas in this little book. Discover how to love your man for who he really is.
- Sales Rank: #5943 in Books
- Brand: Feldhahn, Shaunti
- Published on: 2013-03-19
- Released on: 2013-03-19
- Original language: English
- Number of items: 1
- Dimensions: 7.30" h x .80" w x 5.20" l, .56 pounds
- Binding: Hardcover
- 224 pages
Review
Praise for For Women Only
“Shaunti’s signature message, which she has shared around the world with millions of listeners, is life changing and something every woman needs to hear. Every time I have given someone this book, I have seen lives and marriages changed!”
—Lysa TerKeurst, New York Times best-selling author of Made to Crave
“This one short, little book brings a long-lasting, big impact on marriage—which is why I've been taking groups of women through a For Women Only study every year since I first read it. Shaunti’s message has impacted my relationships personally, and I’ve seen some amazing transformation in the lives and marriages of others.”�
—Holly Furtick, Lead Pastor's wife, Elevation Church, Charlotte, NC
“What an important book!”
—Beth Moore, Bible teacher, bestselling author of So Long Insecurity
“In our weekly couples’ study we read and discussed both For Women Only and For Men Only over the course of several months. They were fascinating and very helpful. The findings in these books about how men and women think are so enlightening. My wife and I think these books should be required premarital reading!”
—Comedian Jeff Foxworthy��
“You’re about to gain some fresh insight into some of the mysteries of masculinity.� For Women Only is a book that I believe will provide understanding and bring harmony to a lot of marriages.”
—Bob Lepine, cohost of FamilyLife Today
“Ready for an eye-opener? Shaunti Feldhahn has uncovered a mountain of meaningful information for any woman wanting to understand men at a profound level.”
—Drs. Les and Leslie Parrott, Seattle Pacific University; authors of Love Talk
“Men are in agreement on this one:� For Women Only is one book every husband wishes his wife would read! It is a practical, thought-provoking message that will show you what you should do – and not do – when it comes to your relationship with the man in your life.� Read it, and you’re bound to have many ‘aha!’ moments that could revolutionize your relationship.”
—Valorie Burton, bestselling author of Successful Women Think Differently and What’s Really Holding You Back?�
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“Navigating the differences between men and women might be impossibility if it weren't for Shaunti's insight and inspiration. For Women Only is a treasure box that never seems empty of wisdom. Every time I dig in, my hands and heart emerge filled with tools that help me know myself better and relate to the people I love more effectively. If you've already read it, you should read it again. And if you are just opening these pages for the first time, buckle a seat-belt over your soul and get ready for a ride you won't soon forget.”
—Priscilla Shirer, best-selling author of One in a Million
“For Women Only is the best book I have read for women, about men. Shaunti's research, facts and stories in this little book create an incredible read for all women. Single, married, divorced or not even allowed to date yet should all read this and come to understand the key truths that will help in your relationship with any man. I bought a copy, read it, was astonished, and then bought ten more and sent them to everyone on our team.”
—Craig Gross, founder of XXXchurch.com
“We purchased 9,000 copies of Shaunti’s book, For Women Only, and gave one to every woman in our congregations as part of a special Sunday morning event. I interviewed Shaunti on stage during all our worship services. The response was incredible. She has an engaging, compelling way of presenting her findings about how men think. It helped open the eyes of women to the real needs of the men in their lives, and it gave men a common language to use to talk about these things with their wives. I urge churches and other groups to give her the opportunity to share this message.”
—Andy Stanley, author of Enemies of the Heart; Senior Pastor, North Point Community Church, Alpharetta, GA
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Praise for For Men Only and For Women Only
�“Whenever Shaunti Feldhahn appears as a guest on the Focus on the Family radio program, we know that listener response will be enthusiastic. She has a way of connecting with the audience that is unique and compelling. We’re thankful for the unique perspective she provides not only to the Christian community, but to the culture at large.”
—Jim Daly, President, Focus on the Family
“These are the books I pass out to people as the best on the subject. Shaunti Feldhahn has the rare ability to do impeccable research and then make her findings incredibly practical. There is something to learn on every page.”
�—Jim Burns, PhD., President, HomeWord and author of Creating an Intimate Marriage��
“Whatever Shaunti Feldhahn researches, read. Actually, do more than read…study!� Shaunti’s ability to ask the right questions, find the right answers and communicate the results clearly and practically sets her apart as a gifted researcher. Her content guides and changes lives.”
—Emerson Eggerichs, Ph.D., best-selling author, Love and Respect
“Shaunti Feldhahn has a unique gift for helping men understand women, and women, men. Her books, For Women Only and For Men Only, are the best I know at providing rich and practical gender understanding that can be used immediately. I highly recommend both all the time!”
—Robert Lewis, author of Raising a Modern-Day Knight; founder, Men's Fraternity
“Shaunti Feldhahn has the unique gift of communicating a Christian worldview in a language everyone, Christian or secular, understands. Her experience and educational background qualify her to speak and write authoritatively about relationships and how people respond. I personally have seen and felt the impact of her research. She is the "go-to" person for our organization when we need insight.”
—Phil Waldrep, founder, Women of Joy Conferences and Phil Waldrep Ministries, Decatur, AL
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About the Author
Shaunti Feldhahn is a popular speaker, best-selling author, and groundbreaking social researcher. Her findings have been featured in media as diverse as Focus on the Family, FamilyLife Today, the New York Times and Cosmo. With a master’s degree from Harvard University, Shaunti has worked on Wall Street and Capitol Hill. Now she applies her analytical skills to illuminating surprising truths about relationships. She and her husband, Jeff, live in Atlanta with their two children.
Excerpt. � Reprinted by permission. All rights reserved.
Light Bulb On!
How I Woke Up to What I Didn’t Know About Men
The other half of the people on the planet already know what you’re going to read in this book.
As newlyweds, my husband and I lived in Manhattan, and like all New Yorkers, we walked everywhere. But I quickly noticed something strange. Quite often we’d be strolling hand in hand and Jeff would abruptly jerk his head up and away. We’d be watching in-line skaters in Central Park or waiting to cross the street in a crowd, and he would suddenly stare at the sky. I started to wonder, Is something going on at the tops of these buildings?
Turns out, something was going on, but it wasn’t up in the buildings.
Have you ever been totally confused by something the man in your life has said or done? Looking at your boyfriend’s rapidly departing back, have you ever wondered, Why did that make him so angry? Have you ever been perplexed by your husband’s defensiveness when you asked him to stop working so much? Yeah? Me too.
But now, after interviewing and surveying thousands of men, I can tell you that the answers to those and dozens of other common perplexities are all related to what is going on in your man’s inner life. Most are things he wishes you knew but doesn’t know how to tell you. In many cases, they’re things he has no idea you don’t know. This book will share those interviews and those answers. But be careful. You might be slapping your forehead a lot!
I can tell you that the answers to dozens of common perplexities are related to what is going on in your man’s inner life.
How It All Started
Let me tell you how I got here. It all started with the research for my second novel, The Lights of Tenth Street. One of my main characters was a devoted husband and father. Because I had to put thoughts in his head, but had no idea what a guy would be thinking in a given situation, I interviewed my husband, Jeff, and many other male friends and colleagues. (“What would you be thinking if you were the character in this scene?”) It took me a while to figure out how to handle what I found.
You see, in many cases, what I heard stunned me. Not just because what the men were thinking was so surprising but because it was so foundational. These weren’t feelings that popped up every few months but were deep fundamental needs, fears, doubts, and thought patterns that occur in men every single day. It didn’t matter whether the man I was talking to was old or young; what his racial or cultural background was; whether he was married or single, a churchgoer or an atheist, a corporate executive or a factory line worker—I kept hearing similar things.
The character in my novel was a good guy who loved his wife and kids, was a devoted churchgoer and godly man, and a successful businessman. But he struggled with his thought life, especially the visual temptations that beckoned from every corner, from the secret traps of the Internet to the overt appeal of the miniskirt walking down the street. So, in short—and this is what shocked me—I discovered that instead of being unusual, my character was like almost every man on the planet. Including the faithful husbands I was interviewing.
That revelation led to a host of others, and following those trails led me to the thousands of personal and written interviews with men—including several professional, nationally representative surveys—that form the core of this book. I interviewed close friends over dinner and strangers in the grocery store, married fathers at church and the single student sitting next to me on the airplane. I talked to CEOs, attorneys, pastors, technology geeks, business managers, the security guard at Costco, and the guys behind the counter at Starbucks. I even interviewed a� professional opera singer, a household-name movie star, and a former NFL offensive tackle with a Super Bowl ring. No one was safe.
Most helpful customer reviews
206 of 214 people found the following review helpful.
Eye opening but lacking tips for application
By w951jgb
I am in my 30s, been married for 4 years, and am a full-time working mom. My marriage has been in distress, and my husband refused to go to counseling. I purchased this book in hopes of finding some guidance.
The book is a very quick read. I was surprised at how small the book actually is; however the book is loaded with information. I liked that it was written from the women's perspective and that the author provided stories about her struggles with her husband. The information was very relatable, and I definitely had a couple of "ah-ha!" moments. There were passages that seemed to describe my husband perfectly. I am not very religious; however I was not turned off by the biblical references.
My question is, now what??! I am not sure how to implement changes to improve my marriage. The book explains that a husband absolutely needs to be respected and affirmed. There was a little guidance, but I need help with how to really implement changes. The lack of practical tips left me disappointed, but overall I thought the message of the book was very helpful. The survey results are undeniable and help me understand the importance of respect in a marriage.
My husband and I are stuck in a cycle of lack of respect on my part and lack of love on his part. I am very hurt and angry, but I want to better my marriage. I am going to try the following actions for the next 30 days to see if there is an improvement. I have not talked to my husband about this book yet, I am going to wait to see if I get results.
My 30-day action plan:
1) Always accept his opinion and judgement on a matter and only offer my opinion if asked
2) Initiate casual physical connections at least once a day (ie: rubbing shoulders, sitting next to on couch, etc.)
3) Initiate sex at least once a week
I will give an update regarding the results. I am unsure about item #1 above. I consider myself a modern feminist; however I know that my husband thinks that I am critical and demanding. I am hopeful that by acting more respectful that he will in turn actively seek out my opinion so we have an equal relationship. I certainly don't have anything to lose at this point. I already thank him on a regular basis for important little things that he does to help with our child and around the house. I also tell him that I love him and always ask him about his day. (Wish he would do the same for me!) Any other tips would be appreciated!
UPDATE 05/08/2013:
We are definitely in a much better place in our relationship now compared to 30 days ago. I did not follow my plan exactly as I had intended, but I did make a lot of changes. I also learned a lot about how I treat my husband and how I need to continue to change.
Comments about my specific action plan steps:
1) I often forgot that my plan was to always accept his opinion. I need to work on this area. I have found that if I carefully listen to what he has to say, acknowledge what he has said, and then offer my two-cents - he is much more open to my opinion. Or if I wait awhile and then later offer my opinion, that works too. My DH just really wants to feel that he is heard and that his opinion is respected.
2) I often forgot to initiate casual physical connections until the very end of the day. I admit that it felt like a chore on my "to-do" list which is really horrible. It made me realize how much our relationship has changed from our early courtship to now being parents of a toddler. I am working on being more casually physical, and my DH seems to really appreciate it. He has been reciprocating quite a bit.
3) I only did this once the whole month. Epic fail on my part. I am committing to implementing this step during the next 30 days.
Although I was not successful at carrying out each action step - it did open my eyes in a big way. I realize that I can make a lot of positive changes in our relationship. I also realized that I critique my husband A LOT about things around the house that need to be done or should have been done differently. He NEVER critiques me. Literally, never. I would hate to be treated the way I treat him. So I am definitely working on making changes in that area too. If I continue to be aware of my actions, I am confident that things will continue to improve. I plan on talking to my DH at some point about the book, but I am waiting until we are on more solid ground.
34 of 34 people found the following review helpful.
Saved my marriage
By Hallel
My husband was going to leave me after 20 years of marriage. Listening to this book on tape, and him listening to "For men only", turned our marriage completely around. I thought I knew a lot about men, having read a ton of relationship books. But this gave me a deep insight to my husband's needs and how he is hardwired to respond. Now, when I want to discuss an issue and he is quiet, I know that means he is processing the issue step by step and not ignoring me. Wish I had learned this 30 years ago. Could have saved us both a lot of heartache.
55 of 59 people found the following review helpful.
One of only three books I'd call absolutely MUST HAVE marriage books!
By Nicole R. Elliott
When I got married I wanted so much to be a godly and great wife to my hubby! What I didn't realize was that sometimes my female brain with its ways of thinking and showing my love to him and his male brain and the way it is wired meant that sometimes there were things that I was doing, or not doing, that were causing problems I didn't even realize were there!
Thankfully through several different women and blogs I caught on early on into our marriage (probably 2 1/2 years) through books that there were several areas that needed work! I am so thankful that I was able to be enlightened to these things early on--and wish I had known sooner!!!! So now for every bridal shower that I attend my gift is three books: For Women Only by Shaunti Feldhahn; A Good Girls Guide to Great Sex by Shelia Wray Gregoire; and Created to Be His Helpmeet. I include a letter with the books explaining why and how each has shaped and changed my marriage for the better.
I first read For Women Only a few years after it was released in . A friend had actually given my Mom a copy and I read through it during one of my trips back home as we were talking about marriage and marriage books. There were so many "lightbulb" moments I had from it! I went back home (I was on the trip home by myself) and after a few days my hubby remarked "I guess I should send you back home alone more often, you always come back more awesome than ever--what on earth is going on??!!" (it happens that a previous trip back home was when I was first introduced to Created To Be His Helpmeet as well--both me and my hubby are super thankful to the ladies back home, haha).
So when I saw that For Women Only, Revised and Updated Edition: What You Need to Know About the Inner Lives of Men was coming out I couldn't wait to get a copy of it! As I re-read it I was struck again by many of the things that made me have "lightbulbs" the first time, and had other things make me go, "Oh!" that didn't the first time-as with every marriage your husbands needs and your situation in life are constantly changing.
I loved the all-new chapter "The Thinker" One thing that has always baffled me to no end--and frustrated my husband to no end--is when we get into an in-depth discussion, especially when we have a difference of opinion, and I thoroughly and (in my mind) efficiently put forth my case and he just sits there and says nothing and when I really press him he says something along the lines of "I can't explain it right now but that's not want I think should/want to happen." This chapter made several light bulbs go off as to this whole dynamic and why it does *not* work--and what I can begin to do instead!
One chapter that really made a huge difference the first time I read this book was the one on the importance of staying fit/taking care of the way you look. After we first got married I (unknowingly) put on about 30 pounds (if you've followed my slim and trim quest you already know about this). I read this book right around the time that I had realized that I had gone up so much in weight and it really smacked me at how unhappy Bob probably was about it but, like all good hubbies, he had never said a word! Sure enough now that I'm actively working out and trying my best to take care of the way I look, even post-two kids, he's (very gingerly, when I brought it up) mentioned how hard that was on him!
This book really is everything your husband wishes you knew about him--but would die before telling you himself, or simply doesn't "get" that you don't "get"! As I said--this is one of only three books I'd call absolutely MUST HAVE marriage books! It's a short, easy read but wow, what an amazing little book it is!
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